Well, I was just cleaning out some drafts and I ran across one from March 22. As I was re-reading it, it reminded me of a few things. I thought it was actually pretty good. Just note that it was from 3/22/10...we have not been sick and the marriage conference was back in March.
We didn't make it to church on Sunday because of a stomach virus. We were very blessed at a marriage conference at our church on Friday and Saturday. It was a conference with Steve and Debbie Wilson and if you have the opportunity to hear them speak, I strongly recommend it. They are just so pleasant, genuine, and the love Jesus. Just truly sweet, sweet spirited people. I got so many things out of the conference but one thing that it got me to thinking about is whether I want to have more babies.
If you know me well, you probably know that I am chronically torn with this particular subject. I'm constantly going back and forth: "I want at least one more, no, I'm done...we will be out of diapers soon." Part of the reason I go back and forth is my position on birth control. I feel like that it is God's choice whether or not we have more babies. Isn't he in ultimate control? Up until now we have completely let God plan our family. Who am I to tell God that I don't want any more babies?
Another reason that I go back and forth on this decision is that I think my identity has become primarily being "Mommy". I'm not at all saying that there is anything wrong with that. I rather like that identity. But at times I actually become afraid of my children growing up, and not being "Mommy". Afraid of not being needed so much, afraid of my children being independent. Because where does that leave me? I have always hated when people make comments that they can not wait until their kids are grown and are out of their house. I actually dread that day. I know, I know, that is what all this hard work is for, to teach them to be productive, God-loving citizens. But that is just how I feel.
However, this weekend has made me realize that I am looking forward to being my husband's wife, when my kids are grown and gone (not too far, I desperately hope). But I am actually looking forward to the empty nest. Please don't get me wrong! I don't want this season in my life to pass any quicker than it absolutely has to. However, there is a life for me after my children are grown. A life where
And this is apparently where I got interrupted because that's where the post stops.
This has recently popped its head up again as an issue in our home. One more, or not? I opened up a brand new pack of diapers the other day and, knowing it may be the last pack we buy since we are potty-training Ava, the smell brought tears to my eyes as I thought about that very first pack of diapers you open for your newborn. Such a wonderful smell. Gosh, this is just so hard.
Cecil says that we can't keep having babies just to have a baby. But is it true that my identity is so reliant on having an infant that I can't imagine being me without ever having another baby in my arms? If so, that is a sad state to be in. I've got to get back to that place where I am looking forward to growing my children. Looking forward to this new season of our lives. Not to say that I am not looking forward to it, but to be content in this season.