If I'm Completely Honest

I scheduled David's yearly check-up with the cardiologist the other day. It's on the 28th of this month and I can't wait to see how my little man's heart is doing. (For any new readers, David was born with only one ventricle. He was also born with Transposition of the Great Ateries and Situs Inversus.) You can read about his journey here, here, and here, and here. I very much look forward to these visits. I really wish he was going more often. But they also make me a little nervous, if I'm completely honest.

Okay, if I'm completely honest, I'll tell you that it's always at this time that I reflect on everything that he has been through in amazement at God's handiwork. The words "I am so thankful" are such a profound understatement.

If I'm completely honest, I'll tell you that I'm afraid of the what-ifs, and the unknowns. When we first found out about David's heart defect, I researched for hours a day trying to understand what was going on, what to expect when he came into this world, wishing I could just keep him in there where my body was keeping him safe and healthy. Then before each surgery I would spend time reading and researching what was to come, what to expect, to try and prepare myself.

I haven't let myself do any of that since after his last surgery. But today, I did and it brought back a flood of emotions. The truth is that the procedure that he had done is relatively new (the first being done in 1968) and they don't know for certain the long term prognosis. I've read that some speculate that a post-Fontan heart would last 30-40 years. I googled to try and find adults who have been through the Fontan and happened across a girl who is 32 and completed the Fontan 28 years ago. She says she is doing fine with just a few arrythmias. There doesn't appear to be a lot of information on the long-term prognosis. But I do know that the surgical procedures and subsequent care has improved over the years. And David has always fared waaayy on the better side of potential outcomes. He has amazed even his doctors in his recovery after all his surgeries. And he is doing absolutely fabulous right now. And we are so grateful for that!

With that said, I ran across some posts from other moms who also say that they are afraid. Wondering whether their child will make it to the teenage years, or whether they'll get married or hold their babies. I won't say that those thoughts constantly occupy my mind, I don't dwell on it. But I'd be lying if I said that I never shed tears thinking about it.

So I just pray. I know that David has a purpose here, and I pray that God lets me keep him until that purpose is fulfilled...whenever that may be.